No Sex vs Bored Sex: The debate rages on

I have been confronted by this theme several times throughout my life and I wish I could say that I have always made the right decision.  I haven’t.  Definitely not, and what’s worse, I never seem to learn my lesson.

I’m pretty sure we’ve all been there.  You’re not especially in to the guy but there’s really not much else going on, so you give him a chance.  Why not, what’s the worst that can happen?  Ummmm ya…  Where do I start?

If you’re in this situation right now, heed my advice; end it!  This will not go well.  If Sex and the City has taught us anything, then we know that there are some pretty hefty urban dating myths out there.  Woman meets man, who’s totally not in her league, he likes her, she’s not that into him, but has nothing else going on and decides to give him a chance.  “Oh, he’s really funny,” she’ll say, or “he’s really smart,” or some other crap like that.  They go out, its not too bad, but she decides she’s not going out with him again.  Then one day will pass.  Two, three, then a couple more and she starts thinking, “well, no one else is calling me.  Maybe it wasn’t all that bad?”

Stop right there.  It was that bad.  You’re just bored.  This is called selling yourself short, also known as, lowering your expectations.  I don’t care if you knew some girl who took a chance on some guy that she wasn’t attracted to and now she’s totally into him and they lived happily ever after.  I am a firm believer that attraction should be instant.  Sure, you can grow to have feelings for someone, and maybe as you get to know a person, they can start to become more attractive, but as soon as I see a guy, I pretty much know right away if I’d sleep with him or not.  Don’t you?

So let’s return to that woman.  Can you relate to her?  If you can, first, let me start by saying that pity is a very dangerous thing, and us girls seem to succumb to its powers quite often.  Secondly, boredom is also deadly, but when the two are combined?  Results are a deadly cocktail with the worst hangover ever.

On a personal note, it’s with these ‘boring’ men that I always end up going further then I orginally intended.  Have you ever started out a date by thinking, “I’m so not making out with this guy,” or “there’s no way I’m having sex with him”  or “it would be hilarious if this guy actually thought he was going to get laid?”  Then five vodka seven’s later, you’re back at his place or even worse, in his car, drunk and topless with your ass pressed against the windshield.  No?  Is that just me?

Moving on…  This situation has bad idea written all over it.  There are a couple possible outcomes.  First scenario: you get a cling-on on your hands.  There’s no such thing as sex with no consequences, so someone is bound to fall in love, or develop feelings for someone else.  And if it’s him, I feel for you.  Yes, I actually do have feelings, I don’t like to be confronted with breaking someone’s heart.  Not fun.

The second possible outcome:  it completely blows up in your face.  I’ve seen it happen.  You throw a guy a bone and the bone comes back and knocks you in the head.  The guy who is so not in your league dumps you.  This can be painful, not only to the heart, but much more importantly, the ego.  It sucks but it happens, but don’t let it get you down.

First of all, it happens to the best of us.  Secondly, you had it coming.  That is what you get for lowering your standards!

Sex with someone just for the sake of having it is bound to be bad.  Usually fast, totally awkward and fully embarssing.  Don’t waste yours or your vagina’s time.  So, in the debate of no sex vs. bored sex. Be smart and choose no sex.  Your pride and your vagina will thank me later.  In the meantime, visit the sex toys section of this site.

The Minute Man

Seriously, it’s the year 2009.  Why are there still minute men out there?  I didn’t know men were still allowed to have sex like that these days.  In the era of strong and sexually confident women, openly talking about sex, a la Sex and the City, and bad ass chicks like Missy Elliot proclaiming that they don’t want no one minute man, I can’t believe men like that still exist.  They should know better.  That song was a smash hit; they got the memo.  So why are they still doing it?  Reason number one:  they’re selfish.

I’ve heard it a million times.  Frustrated women sitting around trying to figure out a solution to this problem.  And it is a problem by the way.  He said he was just really tired from work, or that he hasn’t masterbated in a long time, or that I’m just that good.  Sorry, but I think that’s bullshit.  I’m not saying to cut him off if it happens once in a while, I’m just saying, don’t waste your time thinking of ways to fix him.  It’s his problem, and as far as I’m concerned, he’s not thinking about you.

Girls, please take it from me, don’t take too much of it.  I don’t mean to sound harsh, and I assure you I love men, but you can’t give them that much ground.  You give them an inch and they will definitely take a mile.  Most girls I talk to are forgiving if it’s the first time.  Oh, he’s just nervous, and he likes you too much.  Blah blah blah.  That’s all fine and good but the second, third or fourth time?  How much are you willing to take?  Sadly, girls are willing to take it for quite some time.  Do you think he’d be willing to continue sleeping with you if you busted your wad in 10 seconds every time?  Probably not and he’d definitely be frustrated and I’m sure you’d hear about it.

And the excuses.  Oh my god, the excuses!  What’s the worst one that you’ve heard?  Because I have heard some doozies!  One of the worst ones has got to be, “sorry, but I didn’t know I was going to have one.”  When was the last time that you had sex and didn’t know that you were “going to have one.”?  I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a pretty good idea of when it’s gonna happen.

I wish I could say that this post offered a solution.  But sadly, it doesn’t.  It’s just a rant.  And one that could continue for ages. And it’s conducive to a greater problem.  Girls put up with too much bullshit.  I know you like guys and I know you like sex, but is bad sex really worth it?  Answer; No.

Sex With Sabrina

Hi!

My name is Sabrina and I am your resident sexpert.  I created this site because I think having a healthy view of sexuality is very important, especially for women.  I am twenty-five years old and a University of Toronto graduate and it was there where I volunteered at the Sexual Education Centre (SEC).  I always had an interest in sex and sexuality but often people are too embarassed to openly talk about sex.  While I volunteered at SEC I encountered a wide variety of questions, mostly from girls, ranging from what is an orgasm to even, how do girls get pregnant?  If you don’t talk about something, you simply cannot learn about it.  And this site is about learning.  So enjoy this site girls, and guys too, and if I’m missing something or you’d like to comment, drop me an email, I’d love to hear from you!

smackity_bam@hotmail.com

 

This site as about all things female sexuality.  Got a question?  You can find your answers here.  If not, send it my way.  No topic shall be left uncovered and no subject is too taboo!

Take a look around and have fun!

Best selling sex toys and such

The following products can be found at www.goodforher.com

Good For Her is Toronto’s cozy, comfortable place where women and their admirers can find a variety of high quality sex toys, books, DVDs, workshops, sensual art, and much more.

They asked and they’re customers spoke up.  Here are just a few of customer recommended sex toys, books and workshops.  If you like what you see here, just click on the “Good for Her” link located in the right column.  

Sasi Intelligent Vibrator  The Sasi is a completely different kind of toy.  Not just a vibrator (though it does that too, complete with different speeds and pulsation patterns), the Sasi moves the way a skilled lover does, providing endless variety.  This toy will also remember what you like, and will move through various movements until you push the “don’t stop” button.  The secret here is the rolling and tumbling ball beneath a silky silicone cover that will tease and tempt it’s way across your most sensitive areas and into your heart.  The Sasi is true innovation in the land of sex toys, and we at Good For Her have never seen anything quite like it – The Sasi is sure to make all of the top ten toy lists for 2008!    Available in Plum, Black or Pink   Free Standard Shipping within Canada on this product (and all orders over $100 before taxes)!   | More info & Options  CA$195.00   Hitachi Magic Wand Vibrator  A best seller! Known as the Cadillac of vibrators. Great for those who need a lot of power in order to achieve orgasm, or for those not yet able to orgasm. Also a favourite for those who orgasm more easily. Most recommended vibe by sex therapists and the star in many women-produced videos. Features a large, soft, flexible head for those more sensitive spots and 2 speed options.    Staff Pick! “The classic. Can’t go wrong with it. Great for those of us who need a lot of oomph to get us going”.   | More info & Options  CA$75.85   Giving Great Head  We use a woman’s perspective to teach you how to give fantastic head to men. Workshop includes dozens of tips and techniques that will improve both your and your partner’s pleasure from oral sex, including the “million dollar point”, positions, toys, intensifying orgasms and erogenous zones. Women* only.   With Carlyle Jansen or Cheri Michael or Lorraine Hewitt (aka CoCo LaCreme) Dates and Times: Tuesday March 24 (7-9:30pm) [SOLD OUT] Thursday April 16 (7-9:30pm) [SOLD OUT] Wednesday May 6 (7-9:30pm)  Tuesday May 26 (7-9:30pm) Wednesday June 17 (7-9:30pm)  | More info & Options  CA$35.00   Elastomer Rabbit Habit Vibrator  The best-selling Rabbit Habit vibrator now comes in durable, soft elastomer. The Elastomer Rabbit Habit’s strategically placed rotating pleasure pearls stimulate the vaginal opening while the twin rabbit ears delicately or intensely flutter around the clitoris. Available in Purple Sparkle translucent elastomer. Yes, this is the one from Sex and the City! | More info & Options  CA$90.00

You asked… Guys answered

Q:  Can guys tell if a girl is faking an orgasm?  If so, would it really bother him?

A:  Guys can absolutely tell if a girl is faking an orgasm. It’s different in every way. Girls just don’t act the same way when they fake it, there is something un-definable about it. It’s just different.
I wouldn’t be upset though. It sounds bad, but if the girl is faking it, she probably isn’t that into it, so there is no reason for me to try and get her into it. So when that happens, it becomes about me.

Q:  When and why would a guy fake an orgasm?

A:  Guys fake orgasms rarely. But it does happen. It only happens when we are incredibly bored, tired, or drunk. Sometimes, while drunk, its just impossible to get off, and faking it and going to sleep seems like such a better idea.

Q:  Are blow-jobs from girls with tongue rings better than without?

A:  I have had a blowjob from a girl with a tongue ring.  I didn’t really notice a difference.

Q:  How much porn do guys normally watch?  Does it really turn them on?  And would it be a turn on if girls were into it?

A:  Guys watch a lot of porn. Of course it turns them on! And yes, girls who are into porn makes everything so much better. There is just so many possibilities when girls are into porn that can be incorporated into your sex life.

Q:  Are Guys interested in hearing about girls’ periods or are they totally grossed out? How much do they really know?

A:  We’ve all taken health classes in grade 9, so we know what a period entails. If a guy says he doesn’t know what the deal is, it’s because he doesn’t want to hear about it.

It’s more because we have no frame of reference. We understand periods in theory. Once a month, bleeding is involved, etcetera. Other than that, we’ve got nothing. If it’s a “heavy day”, we really don’t know what that means. We can guess, but we’d rather not.

General rule: Let your boyfriend know, but not your guy friends.

Q:  What is a slut?  Do guys want to know the number of guys a girl has slept with?

A:  The only time the word actually applies (and is not used out of malice) is when a girl sleeps around without being responsible about it. A girl with more than just the accidental STI: probably a slut. A girl that sleeps with several members of a social group (without extenuating circumstances): probably a slut. Quantity certainly plays a role, but isn’t necessarily the only criteria.

Q:  How important is foreplay to men?

A:  Short answer: It’s not.

Longer answer: While guys enjoy foreplay, it’s just not that necessary for us to have a good time.

The Female Body

Erogenous zones:  What are they, where are they and how many are there? 

 

 

Erogenous zones are a pretty tricky topic, that’s because every person is different and likes different things.  According to Monica, there are seven, some studies suggest that there are nine and some sex therapists suggest there are upwards of twelve.  The numbers vary but here are the most common areas.  Let’s start at the top, literally.

1.  The eyelids:  Yes, the eyelids, for real.  Again, every person is different and because the skin on your lids is very thin and sensitive, some people really respond to it.  But because it is so sensitive there, it is important not to be rough.  It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.  

2.  The lips:  So this is obvious, but people like kissing for a reason.  But many women actually rank this as the number one erogenous zone, in addition,  the number one complaint from women in relationships that they don’t make out enough.  

3.  Ears:  There are a huge amount of nerve endings in and around the ears, making them extremely sensitive to being kissed.  But don’t be too aggressive, because otherwise it can tickle and feel weird. 

4.  Neck:  The neck is a very sensitive area, not just for women.  The skin there is very sensitive, so again, don’t be too aggressive.  NO girl likes hickeys! 

5.  Arms:  Probably not the first area that men think of but insides of arms, (upper and forearm) and the inside of the wrists are sensitive areas.  

6.  The Back:  The back is probably the most neglected part of the female body, but it is definitely a very sensitive area.  The small of the back, in particular is rich in nerve endings 

7.  The Legs:  Specifically, the inner thighs and the backs of the knees.  However, be careful when touching the inner thighs, especially if you’re going to kiss a girl there.  It can be super ticklish, so I would suggest not being so gentle.  It’ll probably just feel weird and you’ll get kicked in the head.

8.  Bum:  Okay, so this is not for everyone, but some women are very into this area, but the most important thing to remember before going ’round back, is to ask her first!  She may not appreciate bum play if you haven’t been given the green light first.  Many women are insecure about their bums, but the truth is, we’d like some appreciation.  The hole is not the only part of the bum! There are cheeks too, so grab ‘em!

9.  Clitoris:  Duh, right?  But just because you know where it is and what it is, doesn’t mean you know what to do with it.  Every woman is different, some like direct stimulation, others not so much.  Some women only enjoy direct contact, while others will probably shriek in pain!  It’s best you take you time here and get to know what she likes, but don’t start out rough.  If she likes it that way, she’ll let you know.  If not, ASK HER!

10.  G-Spot:  This magical area is located approximately 1.5″ inside the vagina on the upper wall. The most ultimate orgasms come from a woman having her G Spot stimulated. This area inside the vagina typically has a different texture; ridged (not as smooth) as the rest of her vagina, and when aroused it feels spongy.

11.  Feet:  Yes, it’s true, some people actually like feet.  And they are more sensitive than you think.  In Fact, a large area in the brain receives sensations and signals from them, so paying attention to them can be highly stimulating for most women.

Fact or Fiction. The truth about some sex myths

1.  There is an absolutely “safe” period for sexual intercourse during which intercourse cannot cause pregnancy. 

Fiction: While a female is less likely to get pregnant during certain periods of her menstrual cycle, there is no “absolutely” safe period. There is always a chance she will get pregnant.

2.   Males have stronger sex drives and are more interested in sex than females. 

Fiction: The female’s sex drive is just as strong as the male’s. Society has traditionally allowed males to express their interest in sex more openly, however.   There are other factors as to why society tends to believe that men are more sexually charged than women: For example, women are still more likely to do most of the housework on top of holding down a job. That is exhausting! Plus, hormones make women feel like having a lot of sex during certain times of the month, rather than all of the time.

3. Men are more promiscuous than women.

The real truth is, this one is probably true, but by much less than you think. When polled about their sex lives, men over-estimate while women under-estimate, due to societal pressures.

4.  There is no way you can get an STI if you use a condom.

Myth:  While condoms can be effective in protecting against HIV and STIs but they are NOT 100% effective.  Nothing is.  Well, there is one thing. Yes, you guessed it: abstinence.  But that’s boring. 

5.  Something is wrong with me if I don’t have an orgasm from sex. 

Fiction:  A lot of women do not climax from intercourse alone.  Actually, the majority do not.  If you have sex and don’t orgasm, don’t panic!  Every person is different and responds sexually to different things.  Just get creative with your partner and take your time.

Female Arousal and Orgasm

  Arousal and Orgasm: What you need to know

As I’m sure you know, men and women are very different.  And the way that the sexes exhibit and experience excitement and arousal are very different. Research has identified that female arousal generally falls in to four distinct stages of sexual response:

1.  Excitement or arousal

When a women becomes aroused the blood vessels in her vagina dilate.  There is an increase of blood flow in the vaginal walls resulting in fluid passing through them.  This is the main source of lubrication, making the vagina wet. 

Her external genitalia or vulva (including the clitoris, vaginal opening, and inner and outer lips or labia) become engorged (swollen because of the increased blood supply). Inside her body, the top of the vagina expands.

Her pulse and breathing quicken, and her blood pressure rises. She may become flushed, especially on her chest and neck, due to her blood vessels dilating.

2.  Plateau 

Blood flow to the lower third of the vagina reaches its limit, causing the lower area of the vagina to become engorged and firm. This is called the introitus, sometimes known as the orgasmic platform, and it undergoes rhythmic contractions during orgasm. 

The woman’s breasts may increase in size by up to 25% and blood flow to the area around the nipple (the areola) increases, making the nipples look less erect.

As she gets closer to orgasm, her clitoris pulls back against the pubic bone and seems to disappear. A woman needs continuous stimulation in this phase to build up sexual excitement enough for orgasm. 

3.  Orgasm  

Orgasm is the intense and pleasurable release of sexual tension that has built up in the earlier stages, characterised by contractions (0.8 seconds apart) of the genital muscles, including the introitus.

Most women don’t experience the recovery period that men do after an orgasm, and she may have another orgasm if she is stimulated again.

Fewer than one in three women can orgasm from penetration alone. Foreplay is vital for orgasm to occur in most women, and can include stroking erogenous zones and stimulating the clitoris.

When a woman has an orgasm, she will experience rhythmic muscle contractions in the outer third of the vagina, uterus and anus.  As the orgasm carries on, the contractions become less rhythmic, or more sporadic and less intense.  Some other key points are:

• The “sex flush” (redness) becomes even more pronounced and may cover a greater percentage of the body.  

• Muscles throughout the body may contract during orgasm, not just those in the pelvic area.

• Some women will emit or spray some fluid from their urethra during orgasm. This is often called female ejaculation.

• At the peak of orgasm the entire body may become momentarily rigid.

4.  Resolution

Her body slowly returns to its normal state. Swelling reduces and breathing and heart rate slowdown.  Older women, especially if they have been very aroused and haven’t had an orgasm, might feel aching in the back or pelvis.

The Female Condom

Female Condom

 Failure Rate 210 per 1000 women per year

 What is it?

The female condom is a barrier method of contraception that is used at the time of intercourse.  It can also provide protection against some sexually transmitted infections (STI).  It is a soft, disposable, polyurethane sheath and is available in all drugstores without a prescription. 

 How does it work?

It is placed in the vagina before having sex.  It lines the vagina completely, preventing direct contact between the penis and vagina and also prevents the exchange of bodily fluids.  Sperm is trapped in the condom, which is thrown away after use.  They are not reusable. 

 Advantages?

Available widely without a prescription and It protects against some pregnancy and some STIs

Disadvantages?

It requires a proper insertion technique, some women find this difficult.  The flexible inner ring may cause some discomfort for some.  It is more expensive than the male condom and is not available in all stores.  It makes noise during sex and may slip or break during sex, also, some women find it to be messy. 

Injectable Contraceptive

Injectable Contraceptive 

Failure Rate: 160 – 320 per 1000 women per year

 What is it?

This injectable contraceptive contains only progesterone and is administered only four times a year. 

 How does it work?

The hormone progesterone prevents ovulation, cervical mucus is thickened making it difficult for sperm to penetrate and the lining on the uterus is thinned making implantation difficult.

 Advantages?

One of the most effective reversible birth control methods available.  With continued use, menstrual cycles cease in over half of users after the first year and two-thirds of users after two years of use.  No daily routine is required; one injection lasts for three months.  Effective immediately when given during the fist 5 days of a normal menstrual period. 

 Disadvantages?

Initally, irregular bleeding is the most common side effect.  Calcium supplementations are advised.  Studies show a decrease in bone mineral density, however, this can be reversed once you stop taking it.  It takes an average of nine months after the last injection for the ovaries to start releasing eggs again.  Does NOT protect against STIs.  The lack of a monthly period may be bothersome for some women.