Okay, so I don’t know about you but I’m really sick of guys having all the cool names for sex moves.
It occurred to me recently that chicks have totally been given the shaft (ahem… ahem…) when it comes to being the owners of dirty sexual hi jinks, which is a total crime because everyone knows we do all the effing work. Or at least I do. Ughhh… Don’t get me started.
Anyways, I had this revelation when I was sitting around with a group of friends and we started discussing, what else, but sex.
Eat it
We started dishing about the funnest and funniest sex moves we’ve ever done which naturally gave way to the nastiest sex shit we’d ever heard of. Shit, incidentally, was a big part of it. My guy friends knew all the dirty moves. Sure I’d heard of such classics as “the Dirty Sanchez” where the guy sticks his finger in the girl’s butt while their doing it doggie style then wipes the poo under her nose like a mustache. Seriously? And of course, “the Houdini” in which a man has sex with a chick doggie style and switches places with a friend midway only to reveal himself in front of her later and laugh in her face. Honestly… What the fuck?
Not only are guys always performing the sex moves, but they’re always completely making fools of the chick in the end. However, I would like to add for the record, that I do not believe that any man would have the nerve to perform half the sex moves they claim to own. At least not with me, anyways. If a man even attempts to look at my asshole, let alone stick his finger in it… Ya, it won’t end well for him.
Moving on, the convo got me thinking, “Where are all the sex moves for the chicks? What are the names of all the funny shit that me and my friends do to guys, or joke about doing to guys or wish we could do to guys?”
They don’t exist, girls. I sat there with my guy friends trying to think of some of our best moves and… Nada. Nothing. Zero. I was so pissed off that I even went home and googled the names of sex moves, only to get slapped by the long, hard dick of sexism again. I was uber pissed. I don’t like getting slapped by dicks.
If you don’t believe me, here’s a link I found to the hundreds of sex moves for boys…
But fret not my girls! You’re looking at one bitch who demands the last laugh! Just because I absolutely hate when guys think they’re right and think it’s cool to degrade women (Intro to Women’s Studies is beginning to rear it’s ugly head) I went home, drank a bottle of wine with my best bitches and popped a few percocets (just for good measure) and came up with some instant classics for us girls! Brap brap! It’s about time.
So without any further adieu, here they are.
The Tea Cup: The godmother of the “teabag’. You simply sit on a man’s face and while he is eating you out you pee in his mouth! Why? Because you can.
The Bend and Snap: When you’re riding a guy and get bored or you’re feeling especially bitchy, lean back until you hear a snap. I’m pretty sure that means his dick broke. In which case… Next step: Run!
The Snatch Blast: Performed when a guy is going down on you or you’re sitting on his face. Must be performed directly after sex as you will blast a queef in his unsuspecting face while he’s yamming on yer puddin’. Why? Because you can.
The Stooge: When a guy is going down on you and they, of course, start looking up at you. Honestly, why does every man do this? Ughh!! It’s so awkward! Which is why you take your index and middle finger and thrust them forward until you poke him in the eyes. Don’t feel bad! You have to! Otherwise it would just be weird.
This is also effective for running away if the sex is especially bad because you will have rendered him blind for a few seconds. Next step: Run!
The Dumbo: Akin to the Stooge. When a guy is going down on you and they look up (arrrgggg!) and you get annoyed, so you grab his ears and turn his face downward.
The Pale Ale: Post sex, you make the guy drink the sperm in the condom. I don’t know how drunk you’d have to get a guy to do this, but if you manage it, you get a gold star!
The Ice Cream Cone: Stick a dildo in his butt and make him eat the shit. That’s for the chilli dog!
So that is about all I can think of for now, but it is St. Patty’s day, and once my buzz is on, I should be able to think of few more! And of course, if you think you can think of some better ones, send ‘em my way! But really, good luck topping The Stooge. That shit is money.
